Ravings of a Chronic Insomniac

The quietest time of the day seems to be 3 in the morning
All the normal people are sleeping and dreaming away
But we insomniacs bang our heads, ponder our lives
Find there is nothing much we're good at...why?

Cuz we're sleepy!

We inwardly hate those of you who can nod off at any time
Hearing your snores of slumber makes us want to secretly kill you
But we don't because we know it is WE who are weird and not you...why?

Cuz we're exhausted!

Oh you hateful dark god of sleep, what did I do to offend you?
Are there just so many hours of sleep to go around, so I get jipped? I hate you bedroom! I hate you bed!! And you mock me....because?

Somehow I've attached unnatural feelings to an inanimate object and room because, well, I can't remember now, I'm tired, I'm wired, my heart's pumping at 130 now I KNOW IT!!

Did I wash that shirt? Oh no, where's that bill...did I pay it? Now what if....one of my children gets seriously ill or marries someone who hates me and whom I hate? What will happen then? What was my 1st grade teacher's name? Ah yes, Mrs. Boyd! HA-HA!! I got you, you tiny missing brain cell sneaking off because I'm delirious from lack of sleep.

Where are my pills? Why do I care, they don't work anyway. I should have planned better when I was young. I've gained weight and now I'm hideous...what IS that stain on the rug??

My skin itches...but I know it's just playing a wicked game with me
There is no real itch to scratch, just something to annoy me and keep me awake.

I have to get up in TWO HOURS and be around people who have slept and dreamed and probably even drank coffee before bedtime but still have no trouble sleeping now WHY IS THAT thou MISTRESS OF UNREST?

Chipper people speaking of things they did "last night" and talking of watching the 11:00 news and taking their books to bed only to fall asleep during the first three pages. You people are driving me MAD!!

WHY???

Because I'm TIRED AND SLEEPY AND FRUSTRATED AND FEELING VERY VICTIMIZED BY THIS STUPID EVERY DAY OCCURANCE THAT ALMOST EVERYONE TAKES FOR GRANTED BUT FOR ME IT WOULD BE HEAVEN JUST TO......SLEEP.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

God and Me

Transitions are difficult for most people I would think. However, with my family it seems that some are in a constant state of transition. This probably does not give sleepless nights to the young, but to "Mom" it can be tough.

Comings and goings call for a greater strength than necessary for the status quo. This kind of lifestyle demands flexibility and a tougher hide in the face of new circumstances and uncharted territory. There was a time in my life when that strength was a part of me...now, age, maturity, reality or whatever, seems to give me moments of pause. I do analyze and over-analyze people and my life in general. Good trait? Not really. Much superfluous time is spend in the "worry closet." Time wasted there actually.

It seems that it's once again come my time to take the wheel and drive. Unfortunately, I can't drive the lives of those I love. They are at their own wheel....and that SCARES me. So I consistently call on God to BE God so that I can relax and know that HE'S God and I'm not. There is a good feeling in knowing that I'm not alone in this life. I doubt I could have made it through without knowing God to be "up there" and even "down here." It's nice to have someone who loves me as I am...warts and all.

I'm thankful to God for his blessings and even for the trials that require my giving everything over to him time and time again. Otherwise "Life" is just another 4-letter word!

LAST FIX

She couldn't remember her way back home
Her life on the streets, so all alone
Despair and defeat - a friend of a friend
The suffering she'd known seemed never to end

Just seventeen, this woman-girl
A childhood interrupted had shattered her world
She pondered if true that anyone had
A life such as hers, so hopeless and sad

A high once so cool now ruled every thought
She traded her body for drugs that were bought
The men in her life all seemed just the same
They all ran together, one person, one name

Her arms now track-lined, a pound in her head
In her painful world she would rather be dead
The needle lay still, her body as well
She'd had her last fix in this world she called hell

~~Original Poem by Sandy

Ups and Downs

There are few days that go by...what am I saying? Few minutes that go by that I don't feel barraged with that roller-coaster feeling. You know what I mean...when I think of something great, then immediately think of something awful? Today I'm reminded that I have so many blessings in my life, yet still I feel a sense of foreboding. Am I a depressed person? No. Actually, I would consider myself the opposite. I'm quite happy, but a total realist. And to me, being a realist is tantamount to a somewhat negative outlook. I need to constantly remind myself, or be reminded, that "everything is good." I'm most happy when my family is happy. If I know that anyone in my family or extended network of friends has a problem, I have a problem. Is it the nurturing "Mommy" in me? Possibly. Probably. I tend to want to "mother" everyone. And I'm not good with tough love. I know it works...I WATCH DR. PHIL!! But it is much easier said that done...for me.

So here I go up the roller-coaster, "knowing" that it will soon plumet and I will lose that "high" that I felt while on top. I anticipate the downfall, which precludes me from enjoying fully the upside of life. Woe is me...poor thing. (sarcastic smile)

But I'm ready each day to get my ticket and get back on the ride because, let's face it...roller-coasters are FUN!!